I pray that we become a generation that is, more than anything else, so helplessly and passionately in love with Jesus. I no longer pray that we pray more, read the Bible more, or serve more. What matters is that we become so established in the love of Jesus that we…
The sun had set hours ago behind the northern hills, as the cool nights air rolled between the valley. After our brief detour between temporary homes we saw the chance to sit atop the hill. That hill was where I first noticed something. I loved you then. Right there in that moment I loved you more than anything I had known. The pure night’s sky was littered with glowing buds of fire and the moon swung gently among the clear midnight blue, everyone was in slumber - except us. You lay your jacket on the grass so I wouldn’t get cold against the frozen ground we found ourselves on. Even though it was late august and the sun had blazed all day, it was unnaturally chill but I didn’t mind at all. You warmed my heart that night and in turn every day from then on. You were the fire that melted the snow that fell over and covered me. You were the fire.
We sat for hours; you talked, I listened. You told me everything and I didn’t stop you. Why would I? I never wanted that moment to end. Even as minutes rolled into hours, time seemed to stop for us, for that night. We sat there still watching over the trees at the bottom of the hill, which lay a shield to the brook that ran around us. It trickled so quietly as if to whisper, so that I may hear you even more clearly. Each second I would hear my heart thrust against my chest, reverberating along each rib, playing it as though it was a glockenspiel - the most rhythmic yet unusual thing, that sent the smooth low hum of a melody through my body. You were the music in my heart that my soul dared to respond to. You were the music.
The heels of my wellington boots buried into the backs of my bare thighs and burnt pain into my muscles puncturing my skin. It was agony but I knew if I moved that would mean I’d have to leave your side and in that moment, I knew that I never wanted to. I never wanted to leave your side. The words you said pierced my heart with each beat but I knew the pain of walking away would be immeasurably more than the ache of spending a life time by your side just listening to the love you had for another. At least then I would be able to see your smile, and wipe your tears and be the anchor that keeps your feet on the ground. Be the place you rested your head and your sorrows, a sanctuary and a home. You were the reason I fell in love. It wasn’t the way you looked or the things you did for others, your ability to enthral and amaze, to worship, to lead. You were the hero of all those who were blessed with your gentle words. You were the hero.
It was the way you could look at me and say you were scared, hurt, in awe. The way you could be truthful and say what you wanted knowing I would never deny you, never defy what you said, never leave you. It was the way I saw your spirit burn in your retinas, your spirit dance that night, the way you told me that you felt safe. Safe with me and knowing I would never hurt you. You were the reason I fell in love. The way you gestured and told your stories, the way you sighed and smiled and the way you said the word ‘hopefully’ that made me giggle and see the confusion on your face each time. The way your hair moved and the way you took off your glasses to focus on me. The way you spoke of your mother and admired your father, your respect for my opinion and your love for the night. You were the reason I fell in love. After all, I fell in love with my best friend that night. You were the best friend.
Perfect moments seemed to lead into one another and I wasn’t able to pull myself out of this dream I seemed to be in. Pure unadulterated reality. It was bliss. You were the reason I fell in love. I fell in love with my best friend - I still love my best friend. I always will - even as I see you love someone else. See the way you hold their hand and tell them everything. You tell her your hurts and your pain, you tell her the same stories, the same hopes and dreams and the same fears. But she has never seen you cry and she has yet to hold you close as you weep for hours. She’s never walked miles in the snow just to be there for you. She was never there to answer your call at 3am cause your grandma was sick - I had an exam in 6 hours but I didn’t care, I listened until that sun rose. I didn’t rest because you couldn’t rest. She didn’t sit with you that night while you told me all about your world, showed me your world and let me live it with you. I saw it through your eyes. She doesn’t know about your plans for the future, what you want to call your kids and where you want to go. She doesn’t know the you that was before and that will come after. She knows your shell and surface, but me, I know your core, your life and that’s because of one thing - you let me. I didn’t have to force myself in, you let me in. You showed me new and beautiful things and for that I thank you. You taught me what it was to be strong and how to make decisions, how to stand up for myself and how to be humble. You taught me courage and skill, you showed me the power of music and the subtleties in landscape. Mostly, you taught me to believe. To believe in myself and to believe in you - because you never would believe in yourself. But I did. I do. You were the light in the imminent darkness. You were the light.
and I love you. I love you. I love you.
That’s why I have to go
I can’t wake up every day praying and hoping that you realise what you had and didn’t realise. I can’t see you each day and say good morning with that same smile you saw every time you said my name. I can’t be that girl who waits around to be loved by the one she could never have. I gave you my everything, I let down walls and opened my door for you and you walked straight in and learnt me. Inside out you knew me. You’d see me across a crowded room and even though I would try and hide it, you would read me like a book, oblivious everyone else, your eyes would not for a second be fooled by the facade that would convince all the others. You saw my heart when all anyone saw was a good little girl with her head screwed on, the truth is however, It was not screwed on at all. I had no bolts. I was a mere empty vessel because I filled myself with love for you. That love must dwindle one day but I doubt it will. The love of one that is unrequited will either fly off into the abyss and leave the vessel to be renewed and filled once again by another, or it will wither and die never becoming of anything but the ashes of a person whose heart was so full it burst its banks and was swept away…. ashes to ashes dust to dust. Love will always win, whether the battle brutal or sweet. Love will conqour all.
I don’t know what to think. 3 years later here we are. The only wall I have left standing is the one between us right this second. The painted partition which separates us. We will never be together and I know that, but you will always hold my heart, as you have done all these years. Songs and soliloquies come to an end and people change but you will always be the ‘what if’ What if he could love me. What if I could feel his love in return. What if he looked at me the way he looks at her. What if he could be the one who pulled me close and said ‘You are the fire, You are the music, You are my hero, You are my best friend, you are my light. You are. You will always be.” But no - this story shall not have the typical beautiful ending I so desire - with all my heart. It’s a blank page stained with the occasional tear, like right now, as I sit and remember. The only notes on each page will be splashes.
That night is etched in my memory and your name is forever etched on my heart. You are the love of my life, and I hope she is yours because I know the pain of unrequited love and you don’t deserve it. You deserve happiness and joy, peace and rest, love and life and I pray, with all my heart, that she gives it to you. I pray she gives you every ounce of her love, much as I have given you. I pray she is not foolish enough to let you slip away. You are worth so much more than the air we breathe. You are the embodiment of all that is wonderful and beautiful in the world. You are the love of my life
And you will always have my heart, where ever we may be.
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”—Ephesians 5:22-24 (via godmoves)
Sat in my room in my new uni home for the year, I’ve been here alone for almost 2 weeks. No money, No heating, just the right amount of food. I’m listening to some old Phil Wickham albums and I’ve realised all over again just how awesome our God is.
This is our God. OURGOD.We know and are loved by the God of the universe. How cool is that?!